The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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