One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
