woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
