Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
