Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
