doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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