We named our party play list daddy issues
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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