I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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