my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
