I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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