my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
