Umm I'm too high to move.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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