So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
