I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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