like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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