you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
