woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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