What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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