Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
