I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
it glows. i had to have it.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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