I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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