when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
