I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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