We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
