i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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