i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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