No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
