just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
