Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
