Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
