I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
