I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
