I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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