I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
