fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
