Don't you send me to vm
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
no, he came in my armpit
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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