Sorry, I don't speak sober.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
jump out the window naked night went bad
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
