Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
