would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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