Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
