it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
