My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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