He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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