Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
