I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
