My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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