It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I'm passing your future prison.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize