Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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