I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize