Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
