I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
