I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
last night I used snow as a chaser
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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