I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
