party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
