this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
