I can't breathe out the right side of my face
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
