Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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