i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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