True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize