Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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