I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I want a musical about memes.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
