Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
