the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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